


Two Women Wronged 

In Courtship, 
In Church, 
In Country, 



-BY- 



REV. ARTHUR CREASY 

OSWEGO, KANSAS. 



AUTHOR OF 



'Battleship Maine," **The Woman I Love," 

'*! Dreamed My Love was Dead," 

and other Poems. 



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FIRST EDITION. 



COPYRIGHTED IQOO. 



—57— 
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Two Women Wronged 

In (Courtship, 
In Church, 
In Country, 



BY - 

REV. ARTHUR CREASY 

OSWEGO, KANSAS. 



AUTHOR OF 

'Battleship Maine," "The Woman I -Love. 

"I Dreamed My Love was Dead," 

and other Poems. 



FIRST EDITION. 



COPYRIGHTED I 9OO. 

v.- 



TlArO COPIES RECElrVE 

62589 

As courtship was, it was so brief, 

That none was known in days gone by; 

For man was great, and lord and chief; 

And woman's part was wed and die. 

Or. if refused this man to wed, 

Because her love another founds 

She found for aye a narrow bed 

In cedar shade beneath the ground. 

Her grave was pointed out in scorn; 

The place was shunned by maidens fair; 

And woman's hope was aye forlorn, 

Who viewed that spot, tho' Love slept there. 

The Indian's strength g'ained him a wife, 
For wrestler who in Fortune's mig-ht 
Could throw each foe in manly strife, 
A choice could have, or wrong or right. 
Of maidens fair, or love or hate. 
Or treat her well or treat her ill. 
She ne'er was asked; but fixed her fate 
By one who might her tribe's b^ood spill. 
And leave her when Love's fancy fell 
On face more fair or form more strong. 

Yea, Hate itself her doom might tell, 
And she to death would then belong. 
In life her form the faggot bore; 
With flint and knife on foot she goes, 
While horse is found forever more 
Her lord to ride to meet his foes. 
When camp is found she builds the lire, 
And moves about her lordly mate. 
And fears some act may rouse his ire. 
Who sullen waits his meal to take 
From her who never once was asked 
To share his joys, yet forced t© be 
The slave of one who stands unmasked, 
Her tyrant till eternity. 



— 3- 

The meal is o'er, and, by the tire.. 
He tinds a place that suits him well;; 
And there for sleep he doth retire. 
But cold the place to her befell, 
And meatless, too, the bone she finds,, 
P^or lord of all must have his share; 
And man. so great, must sway the minds 
Of women weak, howe'er they fare. 

In China, too, the woman child 

Is often slain in infant state, 

Tho' mother's mind may drive her wild; 

For man decides this wee girl's fate. 

Because a girl she dare to be. 

And not a boy as papa planned, 

To stem the tide on life's great sea. 

That ship of state be better manned. 

But then this girl who found a grave 
As soon as born in Ganges deep. 
Escapes the ills her sisters gave 
To human race before they sleep 
The sleep of death, so sweet to those, 
Who vailed their lives and hid in dark 
Their beauty; since the men oppose 
Their rights and e'en deny that spark 
Of light which flashes from the eye 
Of her who, face to face wdth man, 
Speaks out her soul that cannot die, 
And must be free as when began 
Her life with man in Eden fair. 
When she beside him stood, a queen, 
The fairest form in Eden there. 
The fairest fair that earth hath seen. 

There was a time in England's life 
When w^oman had a second place, 
And wife for wife, without a strife, 



— 4— 

Exchanged might be so that the race 
No mother knew in days of yore; 
And wife was bought by haughty lord, 
Who woed her not and cared not more 
For her, her love, her form, adored 
Not he, S3 much as horse, bought, 
And sold at last for more than wife 
Had cost when young and fair she brought 
Her lordly tyrant — not thro' strife — 
The dower of self and faith pledged 
To love this man thro' weal and woe. 
And from his home could not be merged, 
Tho' Love himself should sue to go. 
Her word was naught; she had no place, 
Except apart from mig'hty powers. 
With slaves he boug-ht she ran her race, 
And spent her weeks, her days, her hours. 

Before these g'reat United States 

The Old World had taught how to live, 

The good ship, Mayflower, dared the fates. 

And crossed o'er sea that she might give, 

In ages yet to be her light, 

A light that must forever shine 

On brave and fair without a slight 

To her Old England made repine. 

Because her laws were partial shown. 

And by and for the man were made. 

But woman's wit, be it well known, 

O'er-rides laws 'gainst her in trade, 

And makes men fear her much in fight. 

Explains this, laws 'gainst her in past. 

So oft has she put man to flight, 

That he tried laws unjust at last. 

These laws averse were first thus formed; 
The fair were major in a lan^ 
Where might 'gainst right raged and stormed. 
The women formed a mighty band. 



— 5— 

Laid siege to men in castles strong, 
Till fort on fort fell to their lot 
And filled the land with triumph song, 
But mixed with wail men ne'er forgot. 
The fair were fair in terms to men; 
But men will brook no second place; 
And hence went out to held and fen, 
Where saw they ne'er a woman's face. 
Here fought they fierce among themselves, 
Till all things common did they own; 
And pads and locks were laid on shelves, 
Where nothing rise could e'er be shown. 



At length these men a council call. 

As chairman took his place on stump, 

He looked as grave as if the fall 

Of sin had come to him in lump, 

And thus addressed this meeting grave: 

"O' course, my lads, you know the trouble: 

How women long have made us rave 

An' now why not return 'em double.'' 

If v/e once more agree on plan. 

We'll bring 'em down from their proud place 

By fighten 'em each like a man. 

You know as once I led the race 

Again 'em and was backward forced ;- 

An' so put in a leader new. 

Who will by all be well indorsed, 

And give him men and not a few." 

Amid loud cheers the chairman ceased 

And dropped he down beside the stump. 

So then Bill Brag with voice that reached 
Beyond the wood that formed a clump 
Said- '^Mister Chairman and gem'en, 
I move the laws these women make 
Be taken out and burned by men; 
So all the world may see mistake." 



This bro't Rob Rude's voica into pliy: 

"I rise to pint of order, sir." 

"Then state your pint." three voices say. 

But now there was such a great stir 

That all forgot before the calm, 

Possessed again these men most wise 

What caused the storm or what the palm. 

That made so coveted a prize. 

When order was once more regained. 

The chairman calls one, old and bent. 

Who said: "I have to-day been pained, 

As I to you my ear have lent, 

To hear you talk such silly stuff. 

You know I was diplomatist 

To court in France and found a bluff 

Was better far than to enlist 

For this or that or right or wrong. 

You know this is a woman scrape, 

And we have missed it all along. 

Another miss cannot escape 

The world's most bitter biting scorn. 

Let us then fence instead of fight; 

Or else we'll wish we ne'er were born. 

This plan of mine will put to flight 

These women proud as sure as fate; 

And 'tis: Dress up three boys in red 

And blue and shave and slick not late; 

Then send a message on ahead. 

In which you beg them to admit 

These dandies into their councils. 

Before they go have them all fit 

For part they'll play with these damsels. 

Let Sam Sweet-Voice practice his part; 

And sing that song called 'Home, Sweet Home' 

So as he'll reach each woman's heart. 

Then let him sing 'Where'er I roam 

I'll take my own my little wif^' — 

I can't recall the rest of that — 



— 7-- 

But this will pay as sure as life. 
Then let these three the leaders pat, 
And flatter about f heir fine parts; 
For good address and form and face 
Will win sure place in women's hearts; 
And draw the leaders from their place; 
For love will take a woman's mind 
From dearest wish her heart can know; 
For this she will forsake her kind, 
And leave fair plans to die or grow. 
Train Sam Slick with young Dandy Dude, 
For three long months on campers' ground, 
So that each bears himself not rude; 
And that no better can be found. 
A woman woes a manly man; 
So train these men their clubs to swing 
To make each master if you can 
Of self, of voice till each shall sing 
So clear and sweet that angels bend 
And break the blue that hangs above 
That they their ears to song may lend — 
A song of home with woman's love." 



Three months from then the women fell. 
Ensnared by net these men had laid; 
And lot of wife to each befell; 
Save s )me who swerved not nor were paid 
Enough to sue them from what they deemed 
Th i" right, to rule beside the man, 
And these no man has e'er redeemed, 
For they the ' 'Woman's Rights" began. 

Yet spite of change in woman's former state, 
She has not, feels not, knows not liberty 
In realm that ought and must decide her fate, 
In realm she enters in temerity. 
This realm is love, where she supreme should 
reign; 



For here she anchors her hope, firm and sure. 
But here her lord does not a moment deign 
To give her freedom shall for aye endure; 
For man is king and feels his right in might 
to reign. 

Does he, as man, give woman her own place 
In life, in law, in love, to her so dear.^ 
Does he in business meet her face to face; 
And grant to her what he perceives quite clear 
To be his right for work by him performed.^ 
Or does he not exact from her tasks stern 
In store, in schools, where classic lore is 

stormed. 
For guerdon so small that he must need learn 
To shun that work, to beg, to tramp, and 

sleep in barn. 

A man will lift his hat in great respect 
To lady clerk, whom he robs day by day; 
And yet her smiles, her speech, her life expect 
To bring him gain and make his business pay. 
Men, money sharks, with face awry will pray 
To Christ on Sunday morn to bless all earth; 
But Monday and other days with small pay 
Will curse one half the race with wage so 

dearth 
That dress cannot be bought to him pray 

so worth. 

Who says 'tis just to give a woman wage, 
Far less for work the same in kind, amount 
As man receives who will not thus engage; 
Because man cannot brook so small account.'* 
Oh, harps the pious moneyed Pharisee: 
"The fair have family none to support." 
But stubborn facts do not with this agree. 
In Western towns science doth us report 



— 9 — 

That \\ ives by work keep man and child by 
their effort. 

In law she knows no place among the wise, 
Who listen long to lawyer's plea or wail 
Of plaintiff, trying right or \\Tong to rise 
Above defendant's hopes on men prevail. 
In temperance cause woman's notes unknown, 
Tho' here she suffers Shame's severest slight; 
And drunkard's dismal dens have well been 

shown 
To plunge her life, her hopes, her all in night, 
As dark as ocean cave that never knew a light. 
Yet some will say that stocks and shares be- 
long 
To man at ten per cent both day and night. 
But home is woman's with her joyful song; 
And here she lives and loves to lend her light 
To grace the place her lord thinks little worth; 
And hence to it comes only when the street 
Deserted is by those who gave him mirth; 
For lights drop out and shadows soon do meet, 
Drive him to seek what he has made a cheer- 
less hearth. 

Now home, the gateway to two world, will take 
The child who blends in self the now and then 
To bliss in time, where light prevents mistake. 
For mother sheds this light which makes good 

men. 
Home, mother, heaven, blend in one to-day. 
Home is the circle, Love's most lovely light. 
Where three must move in heaven's purest ray. 
These three are father, mother and child bright, 
Who live, and love, and learn in heaven's 

light her might. 
The home will make the mind of man to move 
In time, in tide, his talents that tear down; 



lO - 

Or build for weal or woe of those who rove 
The sea of life to find a curse or crown. 

The home is mother's most exalted throne 

The place where cradles she the nation's might, 
The place where force for good is known alone; 
For home is place where heaven borrows light; 
Our home's the place where heaven's rays do 
meet most bright. 

If women make the home or waste, 
Why should not she to her own taste 
Supply for it the husband good, 
That all may well be understood.'' 
You say she does to-day and now; 
But let this book tell us how. 



1 1 



DRAMA PROPER. 



Dramatis Personae. 

TRUE PATIENCE, who becomes Mrs. Steel-Girl. 

8NARL STEAL-CURL, a Cattle Buyer. 

GRAB ALL. a merchant. 

PLEASE-ALL. 

PEARL PRETTY, a Clerk for Grab-All. 

LOVE-LUST, a son of Grab- AIL 

DR. E. M. MAKE-HASTE, Admirer of Mrs. Steal-Girl. 

DR. SPEED-GOOD, True Patience" Pastor. 

OLD PULL-BACK, from Tennessee. 

SARAH SPOILT-CHILD, of Brooklyn. N. Y. 

^y ANT-ALL. Uncle of True Patience. 

OWN-THE-\YORLD. Money Lender of St. Louis. 

KNOW-NOTHING. Steal-GirPs Servant. 

SMOOTH-MAN, Business Man. 

READY-TO-SHIFT, Professional Man. 

WRON(^ALL, a Joint Keeper. 

SORE-HEAD, Dismissed from Grab- All's Service. 

FAIR-PLAY, an Opponent of Grab-All. 

INDEPENDENT. Self-sustained, Scientist. 

HATE-GOOD, a Gossip. 

KNOW-MUCH. 

Others. 



— 12 



ACT L 

SCENE I. OSWEGO PARLOR IN TRUE PATIENCE' HOME 

TRUE PATIENCE SEATED ON SOFA. 

Enter Servant: Please mum, here's Dr. Speed-Good's 
card. 

True P : Bid him in. 

Enters Speed-Good. 

True P : (Rising and extending her hand) Good day. 
Doctor, how are you.^ glad you've come; ba seated, doctor. 

Speed : Thank you much for your kind welcome. I am 
v/ell. I come so often I wonder you do not tire of me. 

True P : You cannot come so often as to wear out 
your welcome; and besides, you have not been here for 
two months. By the way, Doctor, are you still engaged 
on that musical composition, "The Other Side of It.''" 

Speed : Yes, it will take a year yet. 

True ; People are talking much about it. 

Speed : Indeed? 

True: I said, Doctor, that I was glad to see you; the 
fact is I was about to phone you over when your card 
announced you. 

Speed : Indeed, I shall be glad to help you. True. 

True: Well, you know how sad my life has aye been. 
You know my mother died when I was born. 
And father fell dead on a Frisco platform. 
Before I reached my thirteenth year of life. 
You know father's fondness for young Steal-Girl; 
And how I promised to wed at sixteen. 
You know too that I am ward to Want-All, 
Who father's wish keeps ever fresh to me. 
Steal-Girl is not much older than I am; 
But has an arm defective as you know — 
In fact he's failed to do what we hoped for. 
While this is true, my word to father known 



— 13— 

To Uncle Want-All so often's been pledged 
And now 'tis given to this same sad Steal-Girl. 
What think you. Doctor, I ought now to do? 

Speed: Before I answer you, my little True, 
I iirst must ask what marriage means to you? 
Is it uniting t\vo hearts, making one? 
Now marriage does not to this earth belong. 
And preacher, judge probate or laws of time 
Are idle in marriage true as soldier 
Painted, on "painted ship," on painted sea. 
So True, the question is are you married. 
Not sJiall you be married to-morrow morn. 
If married now, his glance, his love, the touch 
Of his hand sends your blood in pulses wild 
Thro' your entire being till you're made new 
In presence that you feel to be divine. 

True'. I never had such feelings. 

Speed: Because you never loved. 

True: Doctor, what shall I do? 

Speed: Give up this man who loathes what you love. 
You love music. He hates it. You love church. He 
loathes it. You never can be married to him. 

True: He is almost converted. 

Speed: Almost will not prevail. 

True: He comes to hear you preach and likes your 
sermons. 

Speed: He does neither. He comes to woo wealth 
that your late father left you. 

True: He enjoyed your sermon last Sunday. 

Speed: He paid no attention to it, but flattered you 
because you like your pastor. You say he is almost con- 
verted. He is converting more whiskey from Wrong-All's 
joint into his system than ever. After that good sermon 
he enjoyed so much, he went to Wrong All's and the boys 
carried him home quite late. Retrace your steps to give 
up this vile wretch. 

True (Crying bitterly): You are very unkind. 

Speed: What you think kindness to him is cruelty to 



— 14 — 

3/0U. Do you know the secret tj that withered arm? 

True: He has told me. 

Speed: Did he tell you he was stabbed by an Indian 
in the territory in a drunken spree? 

True: No; suppose these things true, Doctor, is he 
so vile as to be beyond redemption? Are you not preach- 
ing the divinity of every son of Adam year after year? 
Again do you not teach that man's word is God in man? 
Have I not promised my late father, my uncle and Steal- 
Girl that I will marry this man! Shall I a Christian be? 

Speed: No, he is not past redemption. But your 
chance to redeem him will be slight, after he has your 
money to work out his own salvation. Yes, man's word is 
God in man. But your father's v\dll reads concerning your 
marriage to this vile man, "if possible," and it is not pos- 
sible. Your father did not forsee what now is. 

True: I think I will wait a year as you have often 
asked. (Exit Speed.) 

SCENE 2. — True Patience' Parlor. 

(Sharp ring thrice repeated on phone brings True Patience 
from the sofa to ansv/er. She listens. ) 

True: Yes, I am at heme. Ccme at once. (Ringsoff. ) 
(Enters Steal- Girl.) 

True: Good morning, Snarl. Glad you're back. 

Steal: Fm glad, too. . How are you, True? (Kisses 
her.) I tell you, True, I got a big bunch of 'em this 'ere 
time. I got 'em * in Oklahoma. Biggest bunch ever 
crossed the Mississippi", bound east. Cattle in good condi- 
tion, too. Worth fifty thousand dollars. I guess the 
company back east will blink when they see 'em. Fm 
tired of buyin' for them fellers back east. 

True: Fm glad you've done well. Do you know, 
Snarl, that I have not a friend that is not bitterly opposing 
my marriage to you? 

Steal : Yes, and why? Because Fm tryin' an' tryin' 
to be somebody. They are down on me just for nothin'. 
I own I drink a little; and used to swear; but I am quit- 
ting my bad habits for you, True; because you are such an 



— 15 — 

angel. No one else has ever helped me on to Christ. 
True, you will stay by me, won't you.^ If not, I'm gone. 
Yon can save me. Oh, True, don't leave me. 

True : I will not; but I think we had better wait a 
year. 

Steal : No, you have promised me next Wednesday 
at lO o'clock; so we can take the 12:27 Katy train north 
to Parsons to see my uncle Bill. You say, too, your word 
is God in you. Will you break God.^ Now don't I keep 
my word better than I used to; and will you fail.^ 

True : No; I will keep my word. 

Steal : (Rises, kisses True. ) Well, I must go. Next 
Wednesday, mind. (Exit.) 

SCENE 3. — Steal-Girl's Office. 

(Enter Sore-Head.) 

Steal: Hello, Sore-Head. Sit down. (Kicks a chair 
towards Sore-Head. ) What's the news.^^ 

Sore : News.^ Why the city is brimming over wdth 
new^s. 

Steal: Well, v/hat is it.? 

Sore : Why the Occupation Tax; your big bunch of 
cattle; and your marriage to that Patience girl. Take a 
drink (hands Steal-Girl a flask. ) 

Steal: I don't believe I ought; for the game with 
True is not yet won. I want my wits. Then you belong 
to Speed-Good's church; ought you to put that stuff (look- 
ing at flask) in my way, when I am no church member.? 
What will Speed-Good say.? 

Sore'. He say.? He don't know nothin'. He's the 
biggest fool I ever saw. 

Steal: (Takes a drink.) Why 1 tho't he was a big 
edecated feller. 

Sore: So he is, but he hent got no judgment. He'll 
never turn me out of his church — he don't know enough. 

Steal: What about that tax.? 

Sore: Why Know-Much and Mule-Man has reduced 
it seventy-flve per cent, tho' Know-Much levied the first 
tax on his own certain knowledge. 



— i6— 

Steal (taking his third drink): Well, what about my 
to the girl? 

So?'c\ They only guess at that. But you'll tell me 
all about it, uwii t you. Snarl? 

Steal: Yes; you see, her father wished me to wed 
her when she was sixteen. That time has come. But her 
friends kick on it — but most of all, Speed-Good. Say, 
he's a slink, and wants her himself, I believe. 

Soj-e: You have a bad hand, but play well. Her 
friends have a good hand, but play bad. How are you 
handling your cards.'' 

Steal: That's what I started to tell you, if you let 
me alone, after handing that stuff you take for your live, 
and I take for general debility, ha! ha! ha! I'll tell yer 
You see a woman's a queer critter. She's a mule if you 
try to drive her, but she can be coaxed. A woman is a 
great believer. They'll all go to heaven, I know. I've 
had experience and find one plan works on 'em all. I tell 
'em I'm bad — led off when young by bad company, but 
their influence is wonderful for good. I tell 'em I do not 
like lo hedcV filthy stories, but like a good sermon. You 
se^ a woman's a very religious animal. Tell 'em they are 
good' but I am bad. At first swear in their company a 
httle, apologize a good deal, and gradually get down to 
Christian conduct. Tell 'em it's all the result of their 
Christian lives. I tell her that the preachers keep me out 
of heaven, 'but she willget me there. I call her my angel, 
my pure guard, my hope, my heaven, my all. 

Sore: Will these schemes alwa3/s work.^ 

Steal: They always have. 

Sore: But after marriage, can you keep that up.^ 

Steal: After marriage I shall not need to keep it up. 

Sore: Remember in this state divorces are cheap; 
and who ever heard of a woman failing to get one if she 
tried.? 

Steal: Unthinkable, because of True's religion. My 
business is to catch the bird; for she^ owns her 



S/.' 


.7/: 




'.■^: 


S/:^ 


i?/: 


S/: 


vv./: 



— IT- 
SCENE 4 — Osv/ego. Speed-Good's Home. 
Enter Stepd-Girl. 

Good noon. Doctor Speed-Good. 
How do you do, Mr. Steal-Girl.^ 
Well; hjpe yju're well. 
Never better. Take this rocker (pointing to it. ) 

^fc-a/: (Sitting and. nervously turning broad-rimmed 
Yankee hat in his hands; crosses and re-crosses his limxbs. ) 
Can you do a little piece of nice work for me to-morrow at 
10 a. m., Doctor.^ 

Speed: No; for [leave to-night for Kansas City, as 
I speak there to-morrow at 1 1 a. m. 

Steal: Well, I'm sorr3% and True vill feel bad, for 
she's wrapt up in you. 1 tell 3'ou, Speed-Good, there's 
money in it nov/; and more further on, for I shall support 
your church. Can't 3'Ou telephone that convention and 
cancel \our talk there.^ I shall like a decent sort of wed- 
din', and True she vrill not feel married without your 
presence. 

^pccd: Thank you much. I am sorr}" for True, but 
cannot marry her to-morrow. 

Steal: Youre a missin' it. 

^"/.'7y/ I aside ^ : I vish True could miss vou. I v.-ould 
rather bury her ihan marry her to this vile vvTctch. 

Steal: Go to; the Judge Probate shall be reaper 
Of this harvest, and he'll work much cheaper. (Exit. ) 

SCENE 5. — Oswego. True Patience' Parlor. 
Guests at Wedding. Probate Judge. 

Probate Judge: Will the gentlemen, Messrs. Sore- 
head, Fair-Play and the rest, vv'ith the Misses Grace and 
Gertrude Grab-All, please take seats on right and left of 
groom and bride. (Probate Judge faces groom and bride 
and dictates position of all parties.) 

Probate Judge: All please rise. (Allrise.) Bride 
and groom vdll please clasp right hands. (Hands clasped 
as requested. Judge begins and says): Do you. Snarl 



— 18— 

Steal Girl, take this woman, True Patience, to be your 
lawfully wedded wife? 

Steal] Yes, sir. 

Probate Judge: Do you further agree to preserve her, 
to protect her, to prefer her to all others till death sepa- 
rates you? 

Steal: Yes, sir. 

Probate J uelge: Do, you. True Patience, promise to 
do by this man what he has just promised to do by you? 

True: I do. • 

Probate Judge; Then by power vested in me by the 
laws of the state of Kansas, as Probate Judge, before Al- 
mighty God and these witnesses assembled, I declare you 
man and wife till death comes to one or both of you. 
(Steal-Girl kisses his bride, and the Judge and others con- 
gratulate the "happy pair." Instrumental music, soft, 
sweet, befitting occasion. 

INTERLOPED. 

OCCUPATION TAX HALL. 

City Guardians. 

His Angelic Majesty, Lord of All (in chair): Guar- 
dians, you know our purpose. Begin. 

Mule-Man: I move a wall bull-strong, hog-tight and 
horse-high be built around our fair city to embrace the 
occupation tax. 

Know-Much: Seconded. (Motion carries.) 

Policy-Man: I move that strangers who attempt to 
climb over said wall, dig under it or peer thro' it be dealt 
with by law. (."econded; carried.) 

Mule-Man: I move small jointists be punished, but 
big jointists go free (Seconded; carried. ) 

Policy-Man: Allow me to move that millionaires be 
taxed $io a year, and all small holders $50 a year. (Sec- 
onded; carried.) 

Mule-Man: Please, your Angelic Majesty, I beg to 
move that them 'ere picture-frame^ men be placed in the 



—19— 

pest house; that a small-pox flag float over them for thirty 
days; that they be fed on mouldy bread and unfiltered 
water during that time; then be publicly flogged and ban- 
ished this 'ere city. 

His Majesty. No second to this is needed, because 
one of the villains bought the other out of the round house, 
and both have left for a near town. (Motion lost.) 

His Angelic Majesty, Lord of All (hearing a crowd 
rushing upstairs, His Majesty, seated in regal state, rises 
rises and exclaims): Powers celestial! What's that.'' 

Knoiii: Those a-fightin' us are a-com'in'. (Crowd 
rushes in.) 

His Anj. Maj.\ Good cheer, citizens. You are \\ el- 
come; take chairs. (Citizens hunt for seats, v/hile the city 
guardians tremble. ) 

His Aug. Maj. (continuing): What can we do for 
3^ou, good friends.' 

First Citirjeu: Cut down that 'ere tax. 

• Second Citizen: No! No! No! Not cut doiini, but 

cut 02lt. 

His Ang. Maj.: Gentlemen, becalm yourselves and 
tall us your errand. 

Third Citizen: My errand is to learn why you im- 
posed an ccciipatien tax on my science. You say it is no 
business; no nothing; it don't belong no place. Then ^^hy 
did you tax it.'' Do I compete with teacher, lawyer, 
preacher, doctor, merchant, anybod}'.^ Yon know I don't. 
Then do you tax my ability? 

Kncw-Mnch: We base taxes on owx personal obser- 
vation. 

Mule-Man: You jus' bet we do! (Long and hot dis- 
cussion follows. Exeunt citizens. ) 

'>irootli-Man (in going down stairs): Boys, I paid my 
occnpntion tax this year; but I won't do that again. Next 
year I'll be one oi yon. 

Pull- Back (as crowd goes up street): This 'ent no 
way ter do. Away back in sixty, before the war, we had 
no such doin's in Tennessee. 



— 20 — 

Canaday: Well, I'm taxed out of basines3. So th-i 
^^Liardians may gaard v/hat their swiping sv/ord has secured. 
(Music, ' 'Yankee Doodle. ' ' ) 

ACT n. 

Scene i. — Mrs. ^teal-Girl's Sittins; Room. Mrs. Steal- 
Girl. Miss Dreadful, Miss Ne'er-do-well, Miss Vengeance, 
Miss Red-Tape, Mrs. Calvin, Mrs. Arminius, Mrs. Worldly, 
Mrs. Jealous, Mrs. Talk-Much and the two Misses Grab- 
AU (members of different churches) seated around a large 
table, serving for the heathen. 

Mrs. Talk: Did you hear the news.-^ 

All: No! no! no'! What is it.? 

M/'j. Tulk: Why, the fool pastor of the north-east 
church said from his pulpit last Sunday morning that he 
believed the world's need was Christian manhood. He 
intendei to do his best to make that manhood as follows: 

1. He thought preachers should not -ride for half 
fare on railroads and he was paying full fare this year. 

2. He would not ask ten per cent discount on goods 
because Jlc was a preacher. 

3. He thought preachers should pay and be paid on 
principles as precise as push and pluck provoke in public 
places. 

3. The privileged people provoked Providence to 
punish them by public executions during Aaron's priest- 
hood. 

5. Privileged people punished our Priest, and 
Prophet, and Propitiator by piercing His hands and feet 
and side, while on the cruel cross, where they had placed 
Him. 

6. He said: Divines deny divine healing. The 
Bible says "Christ is changeless;" but divines deny this 
statement and state zu/ij' He has changed. 

7. Privileged people pushed Jesus out of Nazareth, 
out of the cities, out of the churches, out into the wilder- 
ness, out of the world. 

8. Speed-Good stated: Dear frihends, v/hat you have, 



ea.t, we?a", pay on passenger trains, etc., is good enough 
for me. I stand, after four years of preaching in this pul- 
pit, upon the strength of my own manhood in Christ 
alone. Please place me in your pulpit, outside the privi- 
leged people. I am a man. 

In pohtics my pohcy places tax according to a man's 
holding's. Tax all according to expert, sworn statement of 
assessor. Let the $200 man pay double the dollars the 
$iOD man pays, etc., etc. 

M/.s\s^ Dread: How dreadful. 

^liss Xi'\'r: Fle's too fast. 

Miss Red: We'll get him out of our church and city. 

M/'j. C^il: What is to 3 will ba. Tnere's no use to 
hght it. 

Wrs. Ann: That's a foolish doctrine. 

^l/'s. Steal : Then you believe that what is not to be 
will be, do you.^ 

M/'j-. Arm: Why of course not. 

M/'jT. Jcal : I hate him. So do many others. Our 
pastor is placed high in the public eye. All speak well of 
him. 

^Xrs. Cal: "Woe unto thee when all men shall speak 
well of thee." 

M;'.G'. World: Speed-Good is just my style of man tho' 
I do not belong to his church. He is a member of every 
lodge in town; so am I. (Laughter.) He drives fast 
horses; so does Worldly. He plays all kinds of games; 
and so do L He is educated; and so is Worldly. He's 
hue on baseball; and so is Worldly. He's good in music; 
and so is W^orldly. My husband says Speed-Good can size 
up a horse as well as men who don't pretend to preach. 
The other night Speed-Good came to our place and played 
with us till night was nearly gone. 

\iiss D:-ead: Oh, how dreadful! 

\iisz Red : Our pastor does that. 

M;'5. Cat: It was not so ordained. — 

M/-^\ A I'm. (breaking in): But it is so; so what be- 
comes of yonv predestination / 



22^ 

M;'s. Cal: I had not finished. I meant to say, it 
was not so ordained at fast. 

yiiss Nee?-: Speed-Good don't know nothin'. 

M/'j-. Steal: He is right or not right in his statements 
last Sunday. Now which is it.? 

yiiss Veji: He'll be right when Ave have o ir rights; 
and that won't be till we have a right to right the wrong 
he's doing in this city by his teaching. 

yij's. Steal: Have we a manly Christianity.? 

M.rs. Jeal: Yes. 

yirs 5/^'^/ (turning to Mrs. Calvin): Who conduct 
your church, the men or the women.? 

Mr^. Cal: The women, except voting. The me)i 
engage the pastor. But we pay him. 

yirs. Steal (to Mrs. Arm.): Mrs. Arminius, who con- 
duct your Sunday school, your young people's junior and 
senior societies, men or women.? 

yirs. Ann: Women. 

Vivs. Steal (to Mrs. Red.): Mrs. Red-Tape, you 
were $200 behind on your pastor's salary last year. Who 
raised it.? 

MrjT. Red : Two women. 

Mrs. Steal: Speed-Good says our need is a manly 
Christianity. It does look like it to me. 

MrjT. Cal: We had a special meeting all last week, 
and one night we had just sixty women, with forty children 
and only six men. 

^iss Reel: Maybe it y^d.'^ raining. (Laughter,) 

M.rs. Arm: More likely it was lodge night. 

^Irs. Steal: You know our church is by women kept 
up. Well, Tuesday last I found two of our men 
Engaged in whitthng sticks to pass the time. 
They held the fort on street Main as I passed. 
I asked them come to meeting right away. 
They shifted some and looked for place to hide; 
But, finding none, one said it was too cold. 
While other said he had not time that day. 
This is a manly Christianity! ^ 



—23 — 

Mrs. Ar//i: We had one man with us last nig'ht. 

Several Voices: Who? 

Vlxs. Ann: The pastor. 

"sKrs. Cal: What kind of meeting? 

y\.rs, Ann: Prayer for colleges. 

Mrs. World: Speed-Good is right in paying full fare 
on train. Worldly says so. Worldly wants Speed-Good 
to stay with us. He's the first preacher Worldly ever 
wanted in our home. 

The Tivo Misses Grab- A II (Grace speaking): We like 
him. So does papa. 

Mrs. Ne'er: I hate Speed-Good because every old 
tramp loves him. 

Mrs-. J'Fc;;'/^^ (angrily rising): So you mean that my 
husband is a tramp? 

Mrs. Neer (frightened): No! No! No! I know that 
Speed-Good does more for toughs and tramps and thieves 
than others do. I saw him to-day take one home to feed. 
He takes to tramps far better than to me. 

Miss Dread: Isn't it dreadful? 

Mrs. Cal: I don't beHeve in what he said Sunday. 
Mrs. Steal: About what? 
Mrs. Cal : Divine healing. 

Mrs. Steal: He said all healing — medical or any 
other method, or no method — was divine healing. 

Miss Gertrude Grab:- Papa does not believe that. 
I don't believe it. 

Well, how many powers are there? 
Two. 

What are they? 
Divine and diabolical. 

You grant that people are healed? 
Certainly. 
Which power heals them, the divine or 

Why, I suppose the divine. 
Well, isn't this divine healing? (No 



Mrs. 


Cal: 


Mrs. 


Steal: 


MSs. 


Cal: 


Mrs. 


Steal: 


Mrs. 


Cal: 


Mrs. 


Steal: 


Mrs. 


Cal: 


Mrs. 


Steal: 


the diabolical? 


Mrs. 


Cal: 


Mrs. 


Steal: 


answer. ) 





— 24- 

M/ss Nrcr: I don't like his being barberecl by a 
barber and his having his shoes shine d by a shoeblack. 

Wiss Red: No, indeed! M}^ pastor shaves himself 
and shines his own shoes. 

M/'j. Ann: Yes; because he's too lazy to climb a 
barber's chair. 

(Exit Miss Red-Tape. ) 

M;'5. Ca!\ He can't afford to do that. 

h\rs. Steal: He says he can't afford not to patronize 
these honest industries. He does as he thinks Christ 
wc uld do. 

Virs. Arm: Speed-Good's doctrine about the devil is 
a devilish doctrine. (Laughter.) 

l^oiccs- Of course it is. 

V\.rs. Cat: I arn the same mind as Sister Arminius. 

y[iss Drc2.d: It's a devilish, dreadful doctrine. 

yirs. Steal: His doctrine is the devil deals alright.^ 
The devil does our dirty work for us, 
Then disappears and delays till demand 
We service once again from him. 
He says the devil gentle is and mild, 
While waits for us, polite as any child. 

President : It is time to adjourn. (Exeunt all.) 

SCENE 2. — Same Place. 

Mrs. Steal-Girl, Mrs. Worldly, 31iss Ne'er-do- Well, Mrs. 
Jealous, Mrs. Talk-Much, Mrs. Haughty (sewing 
around a large table). 

Wrs. Talk (to Mrs. Steal-Girl): I hear your pastor 
prayers long has quit. 

y\rs. Steal: Indeed! / have not heard. 

Mr.s. Talk: Didn't he say so yesterday.^ 

Mrs. Steal: No. (Long silence.) 

Miss A'e\'j-: I knov/ he did. 

Mrs. JVorld: I beg to differ. I v/as at church and 
know what was said. 

Mrs. Talk: Then what did he say.^ 



— 25 — 

M/'^\ Jcal\ I heard some forty people say he said so. 

M/'^'. Haiigh: I would not talk about such a crank 
(very bitterly spoken). 

x\I;'j. Steal'. In my hDme you shall not malign my 
pastor. (Exit Mrs. Haughty. ) 

All, except W\ss Ne'er-do-Well'. You are right, Sister 
Steal-Girl. 

'Sirs. Talk: I said what Dame Report has told. 

Mrs. Steal: Rumor cannot always be trusted. 

Mrs. Talk: What did Speed-Good say.'* 

Wrs. Steal: He said long prayers often were hypo- 
critical. 

Mrs. Jeal: I don't care what he said about prayer; 
but that prayer of his last night and his way of putting 
things is too much for me. 

Miss Neer: Yes; for he says Christ did not preach. 

Mrs. Jeal: I heard him say so. 

Mrs. Steal: Will you two ladies tell what else he said.'' 

Miss Neer: That's all I know. 

Mrs. Jeal : Same here. 

Mrs. Steal: Then / will tell you something: He 
said Christ did not preach, if by preaching men mean the 
modern division of a sermon into firstly, secondly, thirdly, 
etc. He said such sermonizing was man's invention and 
by man might be banished the pulpit. 

Miss Jeal: But what about that sermon.'' 

Miss Ne'er : Yes, that's what I want to know. I 
know that for time out of mind, away down in Georgia our 
ministers always had one long and one short prayer. Why 
don't lie? 

Mrs. World: (curtly) Because he don't want to. 

Miss Neex: Other preachers pray long and short. 
Does he know more than all the rest.-* 

Mrs. World: Yes, Worldly says he does. 

Miss Neer: What does Worldly know about it.^ 
Does he ever ^^o to' Ichurch.'' 

Mrs. Jeal : I have seen him there at a funeral. 

Mrs. Talk: What was that prayer.^ (All except Mrs. 
Steal-Girl one by one.) I don't know, nor I, etc., etc. 



— 26— 

Mrs. Talk: (To Mrs. Steal-Girl) IW tell. 

Mrs. Steal : I do not remember exactly. 

All'. Well, tell what you can. 

Mrs. Steal: I think he said: O God bless ea^hsong 
we sing, each word we utter and each heart that is here. 
Amen. 

Miss Neer: Such an abominable prayer! The Lord 1 
save me from such a man. i 

Mrs, World: Well, the Lord has S2.\^A you from ' 
Speed-Good up t3 date; for Speed-Good has staid far from 
you aU along. I t-iink the Lord will continue to save you. 

Miss Neer: (rising) You vile thing. I won't stay in 
such society. (Exit Miss Ne'er) 

yirs. Jeai: (To Mrs. Steal-Girl) They say your 
preacher is composing a vile dancing tune for the opera. | 
How is it.^ * 

yirs. Steal: I heard him say about two months since 
that he was composing a march entitled, "When Grant 
Comes Marching Home Again." 

All: Oh! 

yirs. Jeal: What did he say about the lodges last 
night.'' 

]Ars. World: He did not speak of them last night, but 
I heard him say this from his pulpit, once: 'T try to be 
broad in my views, and here is my belief about the lodges: 
A man can preach tho' not a lodge man. Tho' I never 
preached before I rode a goat, and have now ridden the 
Free Mason Goat, the Odd Fellow Goat, the Macabee 
Goat, the Woodman Goat, the Temperance Goat, the 
Pyramid Goat and probably some I have forgotten; and I 
can preach yet. " (pause) 

Mrs. Talk: I heard since then he is trying to ride the 
Odd Fellow Goat right thro a ladies' lodge — the Rebekahs. 

M;'j. Jeal: O well, he's young and foolish. They say i 
this is his first church. 

yirs. Steal: Yes, he was ordained here. May I his 
name revere. 

yirs. Jeal: You may; but / wont. He's not crthodox. 
M.rs. Steal: How do you k\iow.? 



—2 7— 

M/-jr. Jeal: Because lie says all sons of Adam are sons 
of God, and / know better; because our old minister taught 
that some were the devil's children. 

Mrs. Steal: His faith in humanity is without bound. 
But is this wrong? God, himself, does not save a soul 
without calling on humanity; for Christ's humanity made 
death possible to Him. In death he died not for our sins 
only, but for the sins of the whole world. Do you not 
beheve this.^ 

y[rs. Jeal; No. 

Mrs. Steal: Then /<?« are not orthodox', for the Bible 
states what 1 have said. 

Mrs. Jeal: Well, I don't believe this ^statement. 

Mrs. Steal: Christ died for the whole world, but the 
whole world will not be saved, you say? 

Mrs. Jeal: Yes, I do. 

Mrs. Steal: Then you believe that Christ's death will 
not do what he purposed thro' it to do? In brief you believe 
that Christ did not see of the travel of His soul to satisfy Him? 

Mrs. Jeal: Yes, I do believe this. 

Mrs. Steal: Then Christ died in vain. 

Mrs. Jeal: Yes, He did. 

Mrs. Steal: That may be, but it seems absurd. 

Mrs. Jeal: What our forefathers taught is good 
enough for me. 

Airs. Steal: So says the heathen Indian, and hence 
he remains heathen. My forefathers taught the cutting of 
wheat with a sickle, but that is not good enough for me. 
My forefathers taught and practiced heathenism, but I pre- 
fer Christianity, tho' we still have some things to learn. 
Dr. Speed-Good does not teach universal salvation and 
never has, but he is very, very charitable and gives the 
doubt to the criminal. His fort is love, love, love. 

Mrs. Jeal: I move we adjourn. Seconded. Carried. 
(Exeunt all except Mrs. Steal ) 

SCENE 3 — -MRS. steal-girl's PARLOR. Steal-Girl and 
Mrs. Steal-Girl. 

Mrs. Steal-Girl: (turning from piano where she had 

been playing for the indifferent Steal-Girl) Snarl, tell ut" 



the truth. Do you care for music and hterature? 

Steal: No! I hate them. To me "Rock of Ages" is 
the same as "Yankee Doodle;" and Dickens is Dutch to me. 
MrjT. Steal: O husband, night after night I have tried 
To keep you home with me from Wrong- All's joint; 
And now how sad for me to learn from you 
That all I've done has driven you away 
Instead of drawing you to me and home; 
And hope and heaven and most happy life. 

Snarl, you hate all I love and love all 

1 loathe, lament, and long to see destroyed. 
You hate my church, my pastor and my home; 
You hate my lodge, my lady friends, my all. 

Steal: Your pastor's sneaky, snarly, snappish thief. 
iMr^. Steal: Why, Snarl, before we married you 
loved him. 

Steal: I never loved him and I hate him now; 
Because he sneaked out of marrying us. 
Mr5. Steal: I wish we had never met. 
Steal: (angrily) That's me too. (Exit) 

SCENE 4 — wrong-all's JOINT. Steal-Girl, Sore-Head, 
Ready-to-Fight, Wrong-All, Others. 

(Steal-Girl, Ready-to-Fight, !i ore-Head and a stranger 
seated at table playing cards. ) 

Steal: (to Ready-to-Fight) You stole them cards. 
No man could get a hand like that and deal 'em fair. 

Ready: You cut the cdLids yoiu^self, and so you know 
they wasn't stacked. And they was'nt marked; for they 
was your own deck. Then what are you a kickin' for.? 

Steal: I kick because you lie and steal ; my hand is fair. 

Ready: I'll not stand that. (Rises and springs toward 
Steal-Girl, grips his throat; Steal-Girl tries to reach his 
seven-shooter. 

Ready: (observing this) No! you don't, (reaching 
for his own revolver, secures it; fires. Steal-Girl falls 
heavily and is soon unconscious, while lying in a pool of his 
own blood; Ready-to-Fight escapes through back door.) 

(Citizens hearing noise rush in.) 

Citizen: (to Wrong-All) What's therow.'^ 



W?'ong-AU: Why Steal-Girl had a row with some 
stranger (Wrong-All winks to Sore-Head) and in a scuffle 
the stranger shot Steal-Girl. 

Citizen: Why don't you phone a doctor? 

Wrong- All'. We were all excited. 

(Another citizen hurries to a phone, rings; Hello central) 

Ormgan from Center: Hello! 

Citizen: Call a doctor quick; send him to Wrong- 
All's joint; a shooting scrape. 

(Ormgan phones and sends t)r. M. E Make-Haste.) 

SCENE 5 — STEAL girl's PARLOR. Mrs. Ormgan, Mrs. 
Steal-Girl. 

Virs. Steal: (to Mrs. Ormgan) Why did your hus- 
band phone. ^ 

Mrs. Ormgan: Be calm and prepare for the worst. 
There is trouble a.nd your husband is shot. 

Mrs. Steal: Where.? How.? Why.? 

Mrs. Ormgan: At Wrong-All's. By intent. I do not 
know. (Mrs. Steal-Girl faints; gentle knock at door, which 
Know-Nothing answers. Enter four citizens bearing Steal- 
Girl on a rough litter.) 

Citizen: I know the house; we will take him to the 
dining hall, (to Know-Nothing) Lead the way. (Know- 
Nothing trembles, falls.) I don't know where it is or where 
anything is. (Citizen leads the way) 

(Enter Mrs Ormgan, leading Mrs. Steal-Girl. Dr. 
Make-Haste does not look up; he is dressing Steal-Girl's 
w^ound. At last he is finished and observes Mrs. Steal-Girl) 

Mr J. Ormgan: Dr. Make-Haste, (presenting Mrs. 
Steal-Girl who comes forward) this is Mrs. Steal -Girl. 
(The parties introduced bow only) 

Mrs. Steal: Doctor, is my husband's injury serious.? 
Dr. Make-Haste: No, he will soon be conscious; but 
will be confined to the house at least three months. He 
will recover altogether. (Exeunt the two ladies) 

Dr. Make: (to himself) Isn't she a beauty.? But 
ivJiy did she marry this thing? (looking at the unconsc ous 
Steal-Girl) 



(Enter two citizens and a servant, and receive the 
doctor's instructions. Doctor goes to see Mrs. 5teal-Girl) 

SCENE 5 — steal-girl's DINING ROOM. Steal at head 
of table eating soup, making much noise in supping same, 
blows it to cool it. 

Mrs. Stall: You are now better. Will you not live 
a new life.'^ 

Steal: Yes; after I meet Ready-to-Fight. (Reaches 
around to hip pocket and looks fierce. 

Mrs. Steal: Are we not disgraced enough to suityou.^ 

Steal: I'll look after the disgrace. I'm goin' to 
Oklahoma to buy a big bunch o' cattle and death to that 
coward, Ready-to-Fight, if he cross my path. (Curtain falls) 
Music: "Home Sweet Home." 

scENE^ — OSWEGO HOTEL. Please-All, Old Pull-Back, 
Smooth-Man, Ready-to-Shift, Hate-Good, Sore-Head, 
Strangers. 

Please: Did you hear about Speed-Good and the Two 
Women? 

Hate: No; but I hope he's caught at last. 

Old Pull': Ye can't ketch him ; he's as slippery as an eel 
and yet sticks like a leach when it pays. 

Sore: I heard about his leaving the two women by 
the Frisco, you mean.'' 

Please: Yes. 

Ready: How was that.? He's my boy. 

P tease: You know how bashful he is in the presence 
of women.? He says a woman is divine, and I guess he's 
afraid of divinity. He once took a lady to an oyster supper 
tho'. 

Pull: He doesn't say they're divine, but he says: 
"A woman is naturally a religions animal. 

Strangers: (breaking in) Who is Speed Good. 

Hate: He's the fool as is a writin' about "Two 
Women Wronged." 

Smooth: What happened him.? 

Please: He met a v\oman down town ten days since. 

He asked if he escort to her might be, 



She said: "Fll glad be of your company. 

They walked together towards the Frisco, 

And chatted along till they met a friend 

Of Speed Good's lady friend, who joined with them. 

Now Speed Good became terribly nervous, 

While walking along to Frisco with them. 

Just as they came to Sherman's Restaurant 

The ladies took in a sight on a bus. 

Jim Munro was drivin' for McCulla — 

it was Doc Green all dressed like a showman, 

A adverstzin' Shipley's women's hats. 

They kinder forgot Speed-Good like you know, 

Till at length they fetched up agin Frisco; 

And then they looked around for this Speed-Good. 

They looked behind but Speed-Good was not there. 

They looked straight up into the desert air, 

But found he had not Elijah-like gone hence, 

And what became of Speed-Good they knew not. 

It seems he sneaked behind the restaurant 

And dodged to Mistress Read's where he now rooms, 

Because he felt that he was not wanted. 

Pull: He didn't come up town for sev'ral days. 

The Sunda}^ next he stayed abed quite sick. 

"Stranger". Where does he hail from.'^ 

Sore. He come from Maine here I think. 
He's worse than Old Grab-AU any day, 
He's eat with us many a time and oft. 
His grace is short but meal very long. 

Rcady-to-S\ He's hunk-hunk; for Dickerman wrote 
back to Maine to find out, before Speed-Good was ordained. 

Hate: His brain contains a soft spot. 

Pull'. It spreads all over his brain, too. 

^?jiooth: He bought a tramp a pair of shoes I'm told, 

The tramp sold them in hours but few for drink, 
Speed-Good was going to buy the tramp a coat, 
But George Skillin and Fred Cook told him not; 
Because the tramp a hobo was they said. 



—28— 

ACT III. 

SCENE I — MRS. STEAL-GIRL. •■ (Rexlining on sofa.) 

(Enter Know-Nothing, Mrs. Steal-Girl's servant.) 

Know. Please mum, Dr. Make-Haste as ye sent for 
him is at the door waitin' to come in. 

yirs. Steal: Good morning, Doctor. Be seated. 
(Doctor takes chair close up to sofa and takes Mrs. Steal- 
Girl's hand to measure her pulse, looking at watch ) 

Z>r. M^ake: (after a minute's examination) SayOumgh! 
Houmgh! 

Mrs. Sted.1: My friends say I am a consumptive. 
What is your opinion.^ 

Di'. Make: I have no opinion yet. (writes prescrip- 
tion, asks for lady servant who appears, gives servant 
instruction for obtaining medicine at Kingsbury & Prick's, 
then says to Mrs. Steal:) Take every two hours as in- 
structed. If it make you no stronger, I will change the 
medicine next Tuesday. (Exit Dr. Make-Haste. ) 

SCENE 2 MRS. STEAL-GIRL'S PARLOR. 

(Mrs. Steal-Girl in rocker. Enter Dr. E. Make-Haste) 

Mi's. Steal: What's wrong now.? 

Di\ Make-Haste: Oh nothing, but he ////^//^i- he's bad. 
You know I drove past your southeast window about 10:15 
last Wednesday night.'* 

Mrs. Steal: Yes, Edward, I was sitting there and 
heard, because Know-Nothing and Do-Much had gone to 
Odd-Fellows Hall — Old Soldiers' great feast. 

Dr. Make: Well, I came from Old Grunt-Much's. 

Mrs. Steal: Yes. (Long silence and the lovers look 
love into each other's faces.) 

Dr. M'A.ke: True, do you know it's four years since 
we first met.'' 

Mrs. Steal: Yes, it is three years since you were 
called to treat me for consumption. You prescribed 
pleasant pastime, books, music, g6od company. Well, Steal- 



—29— 

Girl left about that time and I have not seen him since. 
I hear from him thro' others tho' he does not write. 

Dr. Make: (Drawing chair near enough to True to 
take her hands in his, while clasping her hand and all radiant 
with love speaking from his face. ) So I understand. True. 
\ou were not married to him, but you are married to me. 
You do not love //////, but you do love nic. * 

Mrs. Steal: Yes, I know. 

Dr. Make: Well, True, I am tired of this eourtiiig 
you, not tired of yoit, 

Mrs. Steal: I understand, Edward, bit you must wait. 

Dr. Make: I will wait no longer. Before I met you 
I paid attention to Sarah Spoilt-Child. If 3'ou will not 
wed, I vv'ill make up with her. (She withdraws her hands 
from him and he angrily moves further from her. ) 

Mrs. Steal: Now, Edward, you do not doubt my love. ^ 

Dr. Make: No, but I hate to wait a life time Oh, 
True, forgive my folly in speaking so. 

Mrs. Steal: Certainly, I love you, Edward. 

Dr Make: Then, why don't you marry me.' 

Mrs. Steal: Edward, you know 7£'/;j'. 

You know I love, and love no man but you. 

At first 1 hated life; because of love 

I feared my church, my Christ, my Christian friends. 

I went to lodge, and lingered long to learn 

What fate my friends and foes discerned. 

Awaited one alone in agony. 

One severed by sin for eternity. 

I wept by day; and slept not well at night. 

In dreafns most dreadful Steal-Girl seemed to fight 

With you and ever would 'gainst you prevail. 

i^ peed-Good on wheel was speeding by one day, 

I called before he was too far away. 

He came and said: "My little True, I know 

Your life, your love, your hope, as pure as snow. 

You have no tale to tell to me to-day; 

In love / live; I learn alway 

In love I learn to linger by the rill, 



In love I catch the sunset on the hilL 

I love my True, and Make-Haste too; 

I know their meetings not a few. 

I know why Make-Haste hears ntc preach 

It is because jc;?/ better teach 

The lamp, the light, the life alone. 

Where Christ doth rule and all is love. 

My preaching to him seems most stern; 

For much he has of love to learn. 

He doth not know I love him now. 

Because to me he's grand somehow. 

Now, True, decide the case yourself;; 

Care not for foe nor praise nor pelf.'" 

Thus left alone I knelt to God, 

And clung so close I felt no rod 

In Hand divine above me swayed, 

Tho' when I knelt I knelt dismayed. 

He clasped my hand in His I know 

And said: "Thou art as pure as snow„ 

Thou hast been wronged by one of late,, 

I love in spite of life of hate 

I love the smner spite of sin; 

And shall some day each sinner win." 

I said: 'O God, can this be true' 

And seemed to hear from bending blue: 

'Believe in me each day and year 

And wait for Make-Haste without fear. 

Be not in haste, for I am slow 

And yet control all things below. ' 

Wake: Speed-Good doesn't teach that doctrine. 

Vlts. Steal: No, but he half believes it. 

%\akc'. How do you know? 

yirs. Steal: I can't tell /loiu I know. 

Make: Well, the church is worse than the world. 

Urs. Steal: Why.? 

Make: Because of its lack 6f love. 

Mrs. Steal: In what.? 

Make: Its teaching of predestinated perdition. 



—31 — 

'Mrs. Steal: The cJuircJi may teach that but Christians 
don't beheve it. 

\s\akc\ Then why do Christians set sign and seal to 
such a doctrine/ 

M/'jT. ^tcal: Some are weak-minded, / did not sign, 

Make: They'll turn you out. 

M?'s. Steal: My trunk is packed and I'm ready. 

Make: I say again the church is worse than the world. 

Mr.s-. Steal: The world is often wrong. 

yiake: Give cases, 

M;'5. Steal: Not long since two men put in claims for 
damages to their wares on a certain railroad, from the same 
town. The company wrote the station master to allow all 
claims to influential shippers, four hundred dollars a month 
and upward, but deny claims of all shippers whose trade 
was less than one hundred dollars a month. Why.^ Be- 
cause they feared the rich but despised the poor. Again, 
preachers, congressmen, etc. , ride for half fare or free, but 
the poor pay double price. Again, a certain oil king has 
crushed out smaller industries, and thus destroyed manly 
independence, that he might gather a snug fortune of four 
hundred million, 

. yiake: Yes, but is he not of your denomination.^ 

M/'5. Steal: I do not know, but right is right and 
wrong is wrong. 

yiake: Your church excluded a man not long since> 
and after that your leading members passed him on the 
street as if he had been a dog, yet the}^ say Christ died for 
the ////godly. 

Vlvs. Steal: Speed-Good visited him. 

Viake: Yes, but your church objected. 

y[rs. Steal: Not all; and Speed-Good was kind to the 
man and kept up his visiting till the excluded died. 

yiake: Yes, because he doesn't know enough to stop. 
(Mrs. Steal laughs) 

yirs. Steal: I see, Edward, you blame the church for 
lack of love to this poor man; and Speed-Good for loving 
him, do ^you.'^ (Silence. ) 



—32 — 

Ma^c-: Your church turned out Pearl Pretty, and why 
not her betrayer, Love-Lust? Again, your churcJi would 
let your preacher's child starve in case of his death, but the 
Woodman will advance the cash to support the child. I 
know churches that systematically defraud their preachers. 

Mrs. Steal: Fm tired of this talk. 

yiake: So am L Pm tired of this courtship, too. 
What can I enjoy.^ I never yet walked home from church 
with you. I never take you out, I sneak; but I'm going 
to redeem my manhood somehow. 

M/'jT. Steal: Edward? 

Wake: I saw you one afternoon at Neosho Bridge;, 
and was about to speak to you, as you leaned over the rail, 
but the drayman, Gilham, drove down the hill and I missed 
you. Again at the Memorial Service we were kept apart, 
it has been so from first to last. 

True, if man e'er fought a tight, 

1 fought against this both day and night. 
But, True, I failed from first to last; 
And hate myself for what is past. 

I hate my love and curse my life; 
For day and night to me bring strife. 
Some time ago I stood in pride; 
And took my place where men decide 
The points so nice in my dear art, 
While I with them, would take a part, 
But now each day I sneak and crawl; 
And start like thief when one doth call. ' 
Now, True, I will not live this life 
Unless you now become my wife. 

Wrs. Steal: O Edward, when first I learned your love, 

I knew it came from Gjd above; 
And yet denied the love you asked, 
Till God to you the truth unmasked. 
But God to me doth whispher now. 
Just wuit for me to bless ^somehow. 



—33 — 

Make: (Rising and looking very stern.) I will no 
longer wait. Next Sunday you will see me for the last 
time in this life. I'm going to Kansas City. To show 
what I bear for you would say: The other day as I passed 
Condon's bank, some raglings shouted after me, "Hello, 
doctor, how are you making it with old Steal-Girl's wife.'' 
When is it a comin' off.'* Old Steal-Girl '11 lick you. " Now, 
True, I cannot, will not, must not stand this. (goes out 
quickly) 

Mrs. Steal'. (Goes to sofa, lies down, covers face with 
hands, weeps bitterly. ) 

My Love is dead, there's naught instead. 
My Hope is fled for Love is dead. 
No bird in air, no bird on tree, 
Pours forth its sweetest melody. 
For me no more the rose shall blow; 
For me no more sweet lilies grow; 
For me no more the rainbow bends; 
For me no more the daisy lends 
Its fragrance sweet in grassy dell. 
To me the night grows dark as hell. 

(A ring at 'phone, no answer, louder and longer till 
Mrs. Steal rises, go6s to mirror, hastily arranges her toilet 
and. then going to 'phone says:) 

Hello! Yes, I am at home. Come now. 

(Returns to mirror, rearranges her hair, etc. Tries to 
smile. Knock at door.) 

Come. (Enter Know-Nothing, Mrs. Steal-Girl looks. ) 

Well.? 

Knoiv. Please, mum, two mans are a waitin' in the 
hall. 

Mr5. Steal: Show them in. (Enter Grab-AU and 
Own-the-World, smiling pleasantly). 

Good day, gentlemen. (Shakes hand with each and 
seats them, then sits down by them.) 

Grab: Mrs. Steal-Girl my friend Own-the-World and 
I have been thinking of visiting you 



—34— 

Mr5. Steal: (Pleasantly) indeed. And may I ask 
you so purposed? 

Grab'. Certainly. In business circles you know we 
have set rules for our conduct. 

Mr.?. Steal: (Coldly) Yes, so I have heard. (Pain- 
ful pause) 

Ozvn-the- W: We find that since you first began to use 
Your husband's wealth things have not moved so smooth 
So tho'tmay be we'd better come and see 
If we could not with you on plan agree. 

Grab: (After a pause) 

Not long ago I was about to close 

The widow Jones' mortgage on the hill, 

But you releaeed the mortgage then, and since 

You have against my will debarred my plans. 

I want to know If we cannot agree 

On plan that will be better for all three. 

You see we three can do much as we will 

And railroads use with bonded goods so we 

Can hold this state well under our own sway. 

yirs. Steal: What is your plan.? 

Oivn-tJie- IV: Will you with us unite for good of all.? 
Unite to keep our interest good and high.? 

Mrs. Steel: You are both much mistaken, gentle- 
men. The wealth I've used so long has been my own. I 
never had a dollar of Steal-Girl. 

Oivii-the- IV: We beg your pardon, madam. 

Gr2.b: We've come to do business with you. We 
think we can agree with you on plan so as to conduct the 
business well for all. 

yirs. Stedil: Our trouble, I see, will be to define; for 
you I fear with me will not agree. "A business transac- 
tion exchadges commodities so as to benefit both parties 
exchanging." This, gentlemen, is my definition. In Mrs. 
Jones' cuse you, Mr. Grab-AU alone were benefitted. Nor 
is this the worst of it. But your ^greatest success often 
comes when the greatest ruin befalls those to whom you 



—35 — 

lend money. As for you, Mr. Own-the-World, I would 
say that not long since a friend of mine took a drive with 
one of your best agents, and observed a so-called "business 
transaction." That "business transaction" was i'/^ia'wi////. 
Now, gentlemen, you have sneaky, snarly, savage sharp- 
ers to deal with, I know. Then, too, you are sometimes 
fair and square. Bat I propose doing by others exactly as 
I would have them do by me if our business relations were 
reversed. You do not always do this; hence you and I 
cannot form a partnership to-diy. 

Ozvn-the- World'. We tried your plan but had to quit. 

\irs. Steal: Well, I'll try it. 

(Exeunt Grab., Own-the-World.) 

SCENE 3. — Speed Good's Church. 

Speed Good in pulpit, Make-Haste in front, looking to 
right towards Mrs. Steal-Girl, who sits with her friend. 
Miss Pearl Pretty. (Curtain falls.) 

SCENE 4. — City Hotel. 

Please-All, Know-Nothing, Ready-to-Shift, Ready-to- 
Fight, Independent, Hate-Good, Know-Much, Pull- 
Back. 

Knozv-Miich: Did you hear about Make-Haste.'' 

Several Voices'. 'No. What about him.-* 

Knoiv. He's gone to Kansas City. 

Please: Why.? 

Know: To get out of his scrape with that woman. 

Ready: What woman. -* 

Know: I guess j/^?/ know. 

Ready: I don't know. 

Ready-to-FigJit: He means old Steal-Girl's wife; and 
and let me once more meet Steal-Girl and I will open the 
way for the doctor. 

Small Voices: Good enough. 

Knoiv: I know he's right after her tho' she lives four- 
teen blocks from me; but I'm not blind. 



—36- 

Independent : How do you know? As you knew some 
time ago how to tax Oswego? 

Knozv : (angrily) I often see 'em a walkin' out to- 
gether in the rnorning. 

Please: (To Know-Nothing) What do you think of 
what this man says? 

Knoiv N; My Misses never goes out till after dinner. 

Know M/ You lie, you fool you. I saw Make-Haste 
with her this morning go, past the postoffice at 8 o'clock. 

Knozv N : That was Make-Haste and Pearl Pretty, 
who's stoppin' at our house. 

Know M .• Don't Mrs. Steal-Girl wear a white waist 
and sailor hat? 

Knozv N\ Yes; and so does Pearl. They dress both 
zackly 'like, especially Pearl. 

Ready -to-S\ The boy is right. 

Knozv M: You'd better go and pay your debts. 

Ready-to-S : I don't owe you; mind your business. 

(Exit Know-Much and enter Smooth-Man.) 

Smooth-Maji : (going up to phone) Say, landlord, 
let's use your phone. 

Landlord: Go ahead. (Rings, talks.) 

Smooth, (coming from phone and taking chair) What's 
up now? 

Hate: We were talking of that sneak Make-Haste. 

Smooth: He ain't no sneak. 

Pull: No; cause he deals with you, and was once 
elected on your ticket to office. . I'm on the othe?- side. 

Independent: Our marriage law is all wrong. Mrs. 
Steal-Girl is a fine woman, but she was never married to 
old Steal-Girl. 

Pnll: You would break up society. 

Independent: I would not; but would build \i up, by 
banishing every standard this side heaven and placing plans 
I have tho't out for the universal good. 

Pull: Where I come from marriage was marriage. 

Hate: That sneak ^peed-Good nags this thing on. 



—37— 

Rcady-to-S: Speed-Good's nij' white-headed boy. 

Hate: No one wants him but you. I hate him. 

Please: The laws of God hold Make-Haste and Mrs. 
Steal-Girl married now. 

Iiidcpcndcht\ How do you know? 

Please: I've seen 'em at our church. You can't fool 
me. They love each other better than they love life. I'd 
like to see her happy, as she would be with young Make- 
Haste. 

Pull: I'd like to string 'em both up; as we would do 
back in Tennessee afore the war. 

Hate: I'd like to hang 'em, if you'll jus' throw in 
Speed-Good with 'em. 

SinootJi: Make-Haste looked like death when he went 
to Frisco to go off to Kansas City. 

Pull: I hope he'll die on the way. 

Hate: I'd like to help him but of the way. (Exeunt) 

SCENE V. MRS. steal-girl's PARLOR. (Enter Know- 
Nothing. ) 

Knoiv: Please mum here's another letter from Make- 
Haste. 

y\rs. Steal: (severely) Who told you to say that to me.^ 
, Know: (much frightened) Please mum nobody. 

Mi's. /Steal: Then why did you say that.^ 

Knoiv: Please mum you get so many like that all 
from Kansas Git}'. 

Mr5. ^teal: (opening letter) You go and never be 
impudent again. 

Know: Yes, mum I will, (Exit Know-Nothing. ) 

(Mrs. Steal-Girl reads and then sighs, cries and at last 
sobs aloud. Finally ceases, goes to glass, arranges and 
re--arranges toilet, then says:) 

So, Edward, you did, marry Sarah Spoilt-Child. 
Well, I'll write you a letter of congratulation, (O God, 
help me now!) and then farewell forever, my loving Ed- 
ward. , (O God I Ipve only ///;//.) 

(Curtain falls. Very sad music. ) 



-38- 

ACT IV. 

SCENE I. KANSAS CITY. (Sarah Spoilt-Child's home.) 

FARCE — An old bridle bit hanging in view. 
Curtain falls. 

SCENE II. Same. (Make-Haste's home. Dr. Make- 
Haste and Mrs. Make-Haste. ) 

Mrs. Make-Haste; Now, Edward, what do you think 
of Mrs. Jones.'' 

Dr. Make: I don't think of her, 

y[rs. Make: Well, she was over here this inorniiig. 

Make-. Well.? 

Mrs. Make: Isn't it awful? 

Make: I see nothing awful about it. 

Mrs. Make: I know that would not occur in Brooklin. 
They visit after dinner there. 

Make: 1 grow tired of Brooklin. Why did you not 
stay there.? 

Mrs. Make: Why Edward, you say I came west to 
get a husband. 

Make: I wish you hadn't got me. 

Mrs. Make: I would have failed if you had succeeded 
with old Steal-Girl's wife. (Silence.) You know you're 
killing me by inches. My liver is expanding and my right 
lung is shrinking. (Covers face with handkerchief and 
cries.) You're a mean, cruel husband. In Brooklin I was 
the belle a whole season; and my sister two seasons. What 
am I now.? You know I'm nothing. 

Make: Oh I don't know, I thought you were an 
expansionist. 

Mrs. Make: Oh vile man! What has my liver ex- 
panding to do with the PhiHppine question.? 

Make: If you'd forget yourself, your past, your 
imagined diseases; and study music, art, anything this side 
Heaven, you would not be a 'back number.' All Brooklin — 
Mrs. Make: How insulting! What will my people 
think of my wretched marriage.? ^ My people, the best in 
Brooklin, N. Y 



—39 — 

Make: They were quite common when I was there 
with you a year since. 

Mrs. Make: As far asjou/'e a judge, (a look of scorn 
on her face) you mean? 

Make: I must use ;/// judgment or j/^;/;'jr; for we alone 
know your people here. Voi/r judgment, which seems 
buried in Brooklin, is useless to me so I use my own. Vo?i 
live in Brooklin; /in Kansas. You live on your diseases; 
/ on my health. You are welcome to your existence. 

Mrs. Make: (rising and going toward door) You're 
a nasty mean thing, (makes a face at him; exit Mrs. M. ) 

Make: (looking toward the door and soliloquizing) 
Sarah, you're better than I. I don't beheve in a hell; and 
yet one is a necessity for such mean scamps as I. If I 
were in Kentucky, the mob would hang me. It would 
much better have been to send Steal-Girl to glory when he 
was shot than this life I guess he's too mean to die, tho.' 
{Stands up, takes locket in his hand that hangs on watch- 
guard.) Well, True, I'll wear this as long as I love you. 
That's the contract. I wonder if you wear my gold ring 
on your watch-guard now! You said you would as long as 
you loved me. (Goes and locks door, takes something 
from bosom, unwraps it — a photo; kisses it and says:) 

Ah! True. (Curtain falls. ) 

SCENE 2. KANSAS CITY. Courtship College. 

Four couples — Mr. Samuel Sore-Head, Miss Ne'er-do-\Vell, 
Mr. Independent, Miss Steal-Girl, sister of Snarl Steal- 
Girl; Mr. Fair Play, Miss Gertrude Grab-Ail, Mr. 
Please-All, Miss Grace Grab-Ail, seated at round 
center tables, playing chess, talking, or looking at one 
another. 
(Exeunt all but Miss Ne'er-do-Well; enter Prof. Make- 
Marriage. ) 

Prof. Make: (Takes roll from his pocket and reads:) 
Miss Ne'er-do-Well, you are enamored of one Sore-Head, 
a student, like yourself of "Courtship College." It is our 
duty to tell you what we know of his ancestr} ; and your 



— 40— 

duty not to reveal what we tell you; for you know this 
society is as secret as the Free Masons. 

We know no good of this man, and only evil of his 
forefathers. His great, great, great grandfather, a Tory 
who fought Washington, v/as never known to do good till 
the last day of his life. On that day he hanged himself; 
but the rope he borrowed on the strength of his last lie. 
His great, great grandfather had two calls. His first call 
was to the pulpit for two years. His second call to the 
penitentiary for twenty years. He was a great liar; but 
he reserved his greatest lie for the day of his death. On 
that day he said of himself: '4 am innocent." Need I 
say more.? My dear miss,, you'll ne'er do well if you let 
hin his story tell. If -you conclude this vile man wed, 
you'll learn soon why he's called Sore-Head. — Suggestive 
Therapeutic Journal, Chicago, 111., March 1900.) 
(Music — "The Girl I Left Behind.") 

ACT V. 

PUELUDE (a) — -OSWEGO. Mrs. Steal-Girl seated in rocking 
chair in her parlor. Enter Know-Nothing. 

Knozv : Please mum, here's a letter for ye. (Hands 
letter to Mrs. Steal-Girl; retires.) ' 

^Irs. Steal: (Opens letter, reads, drops on her knees 
and says:) Oh God, help Trust- All. So Pearl is dead! 
(Curtain falls. ) 

(b) — Same. Curtain rises. Pearl Trust-All's coffin. 
Mrs. Steal-Girl seated beside it, weeping. 

Tableau. Voices singing "Nearer My God to Thee." 
(Curtain falls. ) 

SCENE I. Ante-Room Public Schools. (A wash basin 
of water, soap, towel, comb. Know-Nothing dressed in 
duck, dirty, ragged pants, bare foot, feet and limbs dirty, 
one pant leg rolled up below and the other above the knee, 
face dirty, hair tangled, matted; no coat or vest, only one 
suspender fastened by pegs for buttons; whip, short handle, 
long lash on floor near the lady teacher who has charge of 
Know-Nothing. ) ' 



—41 — 

Lady T\ Mrs. Steal-Girl has tried for years to make 
you a better boy; but you grow worse. 

Knoiu-N (after a pause): Yes, mum. 

Lady T: She told me to make you toe the mark. 

Know-N\ Which mark.^ This.^ {Draws big toe over 
a seam where two boards meet and looks saucy; gnns 
broadly. ) 

Lady /^(coloring and growing angry): You viay act 
sharp with your kind mistress, but not with nu\ I intend 
you to obe3'\ But you don't know what obey is, perhaps. 

Kiioiv-N (face brightening, straigiitens himseli up in a 
pleased, spirited way): I do know what a bay is, you jus' 
bet. Tom Drew drives a bay. Tom's a good 'un. ' Tom. 
knows suthin' he do. Our horse is roan — and the colt's a 
roan, a dandy. I wdsh Tom Drew had that colt. 

Lady 7 (whose face has been averted to hide its 
smiles from Know N. ): Why do you want Mr. Drew to 
have Mrs. Steal-Girl's roan colt.^ 

Y^noiv-N : Cause Christians is cranky and don't drive 
a-dashin' along like Tom. • 

Lady T (pointing to basin, picks up soap and towel; 
places towel over chair back): You can't sit with my 
clean children until you're washed. I'm going to wash 
you. (She begins and Know-N. is quiet at, first, but sDon 
begins to dance and yell. Lady T. urges him to be quiet. ) 

Y^uow-N : I'll be quiet when you take them suds out 
of my eyes; take 'em out — -you put 'em in. (He pulls 
away and tries to escape thro' the door, which the teacher 
perceives and prevents by stepping in front of the same. 
He retires, defiant, to farther side of room. 

Lady T (taking whip frpm floor, says sternly): Come 
here. sir. 

Y^inow iV: No, mum. 

Lady T: You must; Mrs. Steal-Girl said you must 
mind me. 

Y^iiozv-A' : Did she say you was to fill my ej'es with 
them suds.^ 



^42 — 

Lady 7" (cuts at him with whip): Come here, Know- 
Nothing. 

Knoin-N\ No, mum. 

Lady 7" (strikes at him): Come here. 

K;/<?2£r-^V (seizing calf of leg and yelling): You quit 
cuttin' button holes in me. 

(Lady T. coaxes him back and finishes the ablution, 
then begins to comb his hair. While combing she says:) 
When were you washed.? 

¥.now-N: Jus' now, mum. 

Lady T\ But I mean before to-day. 

Y^noiv-X\ If you mean all over, I don't jus' 'member 
but think it was las' Semite mber, at the ben' of the river, 
west of the Neosho bridge. I was in with boys what run 
away from school that day. (He dances, tries to pull 
away, yells till his hair is dressed; then teacher takes 
mirror from wall and brings it to him. He holds it in front 
and looks intently, much surprised at his appearance at 
first, and then begins to grin with admiration. Exeunt; 
teacher leads Know-N. by the hand, while he grins as he 
looks sideways toward the audierce. Lively music.) 

SCENE 2. — Ol lahoma (Tavern). 

Ready-to-Fight, Sore-Head, Steal-Girl, Strangers (all 
seated around a small table. 

Steal (half drunk, rising): Gentlemen, some years 
since I met Ready-to-Fight at Wrong- All's joint, Oswego; 
and we had a row over a game of cards. He lied, had 
cheated; and in the row shot me without a moment's warn- 
ing. Now, / want a chance at hiin^ and ask you to see 
me fair play. 

Two Voiees: We will. 

Ready. He's a liar. I took no advantage of him in 
cards, or cash, or clash that came. He reached for his 
pistol, and I downed him before he could get it. I wiVi 
soon satisfy him. Let him choose his seconds y^u, 
stranger that wears the broad rim, and you, six-footer, \ b'i 
my seconds. x 



—43— 

Strangers addressed (rising): We will. 

(Steal-Girl selects his seconds and the six move to an 
open place. Landlord is referee Duelists are placed 
Referee steps at a certain point equidistant from the duel- 
ists, so that the position of the three would form a triangle, 
as illustrated. 

STEAL READY. 



REFEREE. 

A certain point equidistant from the duelists so that 
the pjsitioiiof tne three would form a triangle as illustrated. 

Referee: (firmly and calmly) Gentlemen, I shall 
count slow. I shall count one — two — three. When I 
count three, you fire. Ready? 

Ready-to: I am. 

Steal: Same here. 

Referee'. One! Two!! Three! 

(Ready-to and Steal fire simultaneously, both missing 
their aim. ) 

Referee: (after pause)) One! Two!! Three! 

(Duelists fre agam. Ready-to is shot in left arm, 
bleeds and weakens. His second comes to his aid.) 

Ready-to: (determinedly) I want to finish this thing 
to-day. 

Second : You better wait. 

Ready: No. 

Steal: I'm satisfied. I won't shoot a wounded man, 

Ready (doggedly): /';// not satisfied. 

'^teal (as doggedly): Well, I can give you enough, 

(Duelists assume old places and at the count of three 
both fire and both fall; and lie still. Tableau. ) 

SCENE 4 — Oswego. (Engine House. 

Nelie Nafus: (at phone) Hello! Carpenter, (pause) 
Nelie Nafiis: (continuing after the pause) Wilber 



—44— 

Condon phoned me from Vinita to let Mrs. Steal-Girl know 
that Steal-Girl is dead. He met Ready-to-Fight and a 
duel took place. Both are dead. Steal-Girl's remains are 
on their way to Oswego and will be at the Katy to-morrow 
noon. Send iMrs. Stonecipher to tell Mrs. Steal-Girl. 
(Curtam falls.) 

STEAL-GIRL'S RETURN. 

(Tableau.) 

MRS. steal-girl's SITTING ROOM. 

CofBn covered with wreaths of flowers. A voice, 
"Christ died for our sins and not for ours only; but for the 
sins of the whole world." (Curtain falls.) 

SCENE 5 — School Room. 

Know-Nothing, Governess, Pupils. Know-Nothing in 
class with four others, rather dirty, ragged, etc., moves 
continually. 

Lady TcacJicr : Know-Much! 

Knoiv-ViucJi: Yes, mum. 

Lady TcacJicr: Mrs. Steal-Girl has had four teachers 
for you in two years; and you are no better yet. 

Knoiv-NotJiing : (cries and winks at the others in 
class) Yes,' mum. 

Lady Teacher: (much annoyed) You have been 
here five weeks and still know nothing. 

Kncnv-NotJiing: (grins at her) Yes, mum. 

Lady TcacJicr; You must learn. I will, begin at the 
beginning. 

Knoiv NotJiing: (grinning more than usual) You 
can't; 'cause my first teacher. Miss Sour Face, began on me 
there. 

Lady TcacJicr: That isn't the beginning I mean. 
Come over to the window (leads the way to window; Know- 
Nothing follows, throwing one limb back behind him for 
the benefit of the youngsters, and other antics; arrives at 
window) Do you see those treesV (pointing to them) 



—45 — 

: Knoiv-NotJiing'. Yes, mum. 

Lady Teacher'. Do you know who made them? 

Know-Nothing'. Nobody, mum; they growed. 

Lady Teacher: Yes, but who made them grow? 

Knoiv-NotJiing: They jus' growed theirselves. 

Lady^,T('^<-ich'er'. Who made j/*?;^, Know-Nothing? 

Kmnv-NotJiing: Nobody, mum. I ahs wez since I 
can 'member. 

Lady Teacher: Who was your father and mother? 

Kjioiv-Nofhing: I never had none. 

Lady- Teacher: (much astonished) Why, Know- 
Njthing, where did you come from? How did Mrs. Steal- 
Girl get you? 

Know-NotJiing: Guess she /"^////rt^ me ; 'cause she said 
I was 2. fo2indlih\ (grins) (Curtain falls) 

TURE LOVE'S REWARD. 

Make-Haste's Resolve; Make-Haste's Home in Kansas 
City;' Evening. 

Make Haste: (soliloquizing and handling the silver 
locket) Does she wear the ring? Does she love me still? 
I'll go Oswego to-morrow and find out. (Curtain falls.) 

MAKE-HASTE'S RESOLVE CARRIED OUT. 

Mrs. Steal-Girl's Parlor; Make-Haste, Mrs. Steal-Girl. 
Hr wears the locket. She, the ring. They are seated on 
the sofa, radiant with love. 

(Curtain falls.) 



-46- 




Pres. 
I> A. SKIl.LEN, 

Sec'y. 

Office Hours— S a.m. 
to 4 p m , except Sun- 
day. 



SIOO for the Name of Any Patient 

who has taken treatment at our Institute , 
and received no benefit. Results 
are always the very best 
advertisements. 

We Select the Best Metliods 

from the fields of Scientific Investigation, 
but depend principally on 

PSYCHOLOGY and VITAL MA8NETISM. 

We are careful not to promise what we 
think we cannot fulfill, 

ABSENT TREATMENT $5.00 PER MONTH 



PROF. STEINER: Fairland, 1 T.. April iJ, VM). 

DearSir— I was afflicted, as j'on know, with Female Trouble, Cancer and Hem- 
orrhage of the Bowels The medical doctors could do nothing for me, and after you 
treated me three days the jnisery all stopped and in eight days the hemorrhage 
stopped, and the knots on my head disappeared. The cancer on my arm is well, 
and I am as stout as I want to be. Not one thing is the matter with me now, tha ks 
to your Absent Treatment My tongue cannot express my gratitude Wi hing you 
8UCC3SS, and that all who are afflicted will send to you and receive the ben« fit I did 
in one month's treatment, 1 remain, Yours very respectrully, 

- - vn 



MINTIE MILLER. 



I am not able to state here the benefit I have received from Prof. Steiner's Ab- 
sent Treatment, but am willing to e.xplain to ladies who may write to me, enclosing 
stamp MISS JENNIE CAMPBELL, 734 We t Gth St., Cincinnaii, Ohio. 



1 live five miles south of Oswego, Kansas. I was cured of Rheumatism by the 
Absent Treatment given by Prof Steiner, in less than one month, last September, 
and have not had a return since. GEOKGE BUEH LER. 



Write for particulars of 

Mail Course of Instruction 

Contains over 307,000 words 

and testimonials. 

Enclose stamp. 

PROF. STEINER, 

r.ox 475. OSWEGO, KANSAS, 




—47 — 

G.W.MATHEWS. MARION PARKS. 

Real Estate and Insurance Firm, 

OSWEGO, KANSAS. 



Insure your property with agents you know. 

MATHEWS & PARKS have lived in this community 

for over 30 years, and represent only Reliable and Tried Companies. 

They Loan Money on Real Estate for 5, 7 or 10 years at the very 

LOWEST RATE of interest. They also have some 

fine farms for sale on easy terms. 



MATHEWS & PARKS, 



Chas, Woolven 

Oswego, Kansas. 

DRUGS 

WALL PAPER, PAINTS, TOILET SUPPLIES 

PRESCRIPTIONS. 

2^W" Always Welcome. 



—48- 

Who Leads 

In the Hat, Shoe and Furnishing Goods Business? 

J. F. WASKEY--Oswego, Kas. 

Because the goods he buys are strictly up to date, just 
what they seem to be and are never misrepresented. 
They are sold for cash only, at a very small advance 
over cost. As a consequence of all this, WASKEY'S is 
the popular store with those who seek full value for 
money paid out. 

W. S. Newlon, M. D. Will B. Newlon, M. D. 

NEW^LON DRUG CO., 

(Established 18(38.) 

GENERAL DEALERS IN 

Drugs, Medicines, 

CHEMICALS, 

Paints, Oils, Glass, Varnishes, 

School Books, Wall Paper. 

Manufacturers of Non=Secret Medicines. 

Court House Square, ^ OSWEGO, KANSAS. 



SWIFT HORSES, 

XIGHT RUNNING VEHICLES. 

A 'RUS LINE, 



that never fails to accommodate the public day or 

night, are part of the Livery 

Establishment of 



ALEXANDER M^CULLY 

OSWEGO, KANSAS, 
'Phone No. 60. 



THE MOST MODERN METHODS 

IN — 

Photography 

are employed by 

R. R. ROBR, 

of Oswego, Kansas, 

and that accounts for his increased business 
and popularity with parties from all sections 

JI^^SEE HIS WORK. ^ 



— so— 

We Pay Cash for 

Country Produce of all kinds. 

We make a Specialty of 
Choice Butter^ Fresh Eg^gs and Live Poultry 

OUR GROCERIES 

are Clean, Fresh, and of Standard Quality. 



OtJR PRICES ARE RIGHT 

Goods delivered promptly to any part of the city 

J, H. DANIELS & SON, 

Telephone No. 23. OSWEGO, KANSAS. 



J. B. PIERCE, 

General Insurance Agent 



OSWEGO, KANSAS, 



Does a General Insurance Business. 



tlepresents the leading Insurance Companies in the United 
States, and writes Insurance at the Lowest Possible Living" Rates. 
Deals in all kinds of Real Estate. Stocks of Goods to sell or ex- 
change. Office over Daniels & Son's store, opposite Deming Invest- 
liient Co. Telephone No. 29. ^ 



—51 



Wronged Women 
Hade Right 



providing they- purchase their Bonnets from our 
New Millinery Stock, especially selected to 
gratify the artistic taste of each lady. 



Due Bills Received 



the same as cash is another inducement offered, 
and our trimmer will guarantee each hat. 

ROBINSON & HOOVER, 



Chetopa, Kansas. 



Oswego, Kansas. 




E. C. CARRELL, 



— THE — 



/Jdercliant 



Tailor 



- OSWEGO, KANSAS. 

FULL LINE OF SUITINGS TO SELECT FROM. 

Prices Reasonable. 



—52— 

Results are Sure.... 

if yon have your Prescriptions filled by 
competent pharmacists who use only 
the Purest Dru^s. Another great ad^ 
vantage for the afBieted people is to buy 

Standard Patent Medicines 

that are recently compounded, thereby 
causing a quick and permanent cure. 
We have the best preparations. Over 
thirty years in the drug" business in one 
city is sufBcient testimonial of our worth. 
Make our store your headquarters 

KINGSBURY & FRICK, 

Oswego, Kansas. 



^K^. S. FISHER, 

Livery. Feed and Sale Stable 

OSWEGO, KANSAS. 



Morses and mUles boxJght and sold 



Rubber Tife Rigs and Good Horses. Special Attention 
Given to the Traveling Public. 

TELEPHONE NO. 76, 



—53— 

ppc^h JJpcad, 
Ccikc^ and pic^ 

delivered free at your door every 
day. Patrons are assured Bread 
noted for its lightness and sub- 
stance, and Pastry home-like in 
every particular. 

Delicious L:Unche^ 

prepared on short order. 

K. J. MARTIN, 

'Phone No. 50. Oswego, Kas. 




THE 



Oswego Milling Co., 



Oswego, Kansas. 



-®- 



Oswego Roller Hills. 

Wheat Goods, Flour, Bran, Ships. 



—54- • 

GEO. P. BUsH, 



DEALER IN 



Pure Drugs and Chemicals 

CHETOPA, KANSAS. 

Also carries a full line of 

PAINTS, OILS, VARNISHES, BRUSHES, 

Patent Medicines, Toilet Articles, and everything usually 
kept in a first-class dru^ store. 



Prescriptions Carefully Compounded. 

SIC. LEHMAN, 

The Dry Goods Merchant and Clothier 

of 

CHETOPA, Kansas, 

Is the Distributor of Best Goods at 
Lowest Prices. 



Novelties in All Kinds of Ladies' Wearing Apparel, 

Agent for the Best Makes of Footwear. 

Larg^ Stock of Carpets and Mattings. 



—55— 
DR. GEO. T. BOON, 

DENTIST 



GOLD FILLING, 
PLATE, 
CROWN and 
BRIDGE WORK 
A Specialty. 

Office over Selingsberg's store — next door to Postoffice. 

CHETOPA, KANSAS. 

B. R MOUSER, 

pure Drug^3 M^^^^^^^P^ 

Chemical?, Stationery, 

DRUGGISTS SUNDRIES, PERFUMERY, SOAPS, TOILET and FANCY 
ARTICLES, Etc. 

Chetopa, = = Kansas. 



•56- 



/ buy and sell 

COUNTRY PRODUCE 

of all kinds 




Make a specialty of 

CHOICE BUTTE \ 
FRESH EGGS and 
LIVE POULTRY. 

My GROCERIES are 
Clean, Fresh and of 
Standard Quality. 

Call on me or 
Write for Prices. 



$,. 







J. HARRY EVANS— THE GROCER, 

Main St., bet. 6th and 7th, CHETOPA, KANSAS. 

Telephone No 56. 



FARMS FOR SALE . 
MONEY TO LOAN. 



1 have about 50 farms for sale from 10 to 800 acres 
each. If you want to bu3^ a g-ood place with g-ood water 
and timber very cheap, write me for descriptions of 
farms and city property 

Monev to loan on long- or short time. Home or 
eastern funds. Write for land list. 



J. B. COOK, Chetopa, Kansas. 




n 



